


Liesl's Letter

by Philosophizes



Series: Hetalia Letters: A Fanwork Experiment [4]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Experimental, Fabricated Documents, Gen, Images, Transcript Included
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-11-30 00:09:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/693105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philosophizes/pseuds/Philosophizes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A letter from the Principality of Liechtenstein to her future bosses, with her abridgment notes on Switzerland's commentary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Liesl's Letter

* * *

_Hetalia property of Hidekaz Himaruya; and this art letter has absolutely nothing to do with the actual government of Japan._

  
__Special thanks to_[coffeesuperhero](../users/coffeesuperhero/pseuds/coffeesuperhero) and [sabinelagrande](../users/sabinelagrande/pseuds/sabinelagrande) here on AO3 for explaining to me how they did [something ](400257)similar._   


* * *

 

**Transcript**

**  
**_A letter typed by Liechtenstein, with pasted-on portions of handwritten text by Switzerland_.

[A letterhead displays 'Fürstentum Liechtenstein' and the name 'Liesl Hohenheim Zwingli' in smaller text in the middle, over the mailing address of the Vaduz Castle. To the left is the coat-of-arms of Liechtenstein, and the motto 'Für Gott, Fürst und Vaterland' is displayed centered at the very bottom of it all.]

[The letter begins with Liechtenstein typing]

Dear _Herrn_ / _Frau_ _Regierungschef_ ,

                Hello and congratulations on your new position! I’m very happy that you decided to put all that time and effort into being such a good politician and leader that you were noticed by my Prince or Princess and appointed! I’m Liesl, the Principality of Lichtenstein, and you are kind of now officially in charge of me.

                See, it doesn’t work quite the same way with me that it does with the other constitutional monarchies in Europe. My Prince/ss still has political power and influence in practice instead of in theory, so I have to listen to both of you. Usually it’s not that much of a problem, but if you two ever end up disagreeing you’re going to give me a terrible headache.

 

[The letter switches to a handwritten text by Switzerland]

 

**_YOU ARE NOW READING THIS LETTER AT GUNPOINT. DO NOT TURN AROUND. CONTINUE OR BE SHOT._ **

_  
_[Liechtenstein, who had left room for that to be written on later, picks up typing again]

 

I’m terribly sorry about that, but it’s true. The man with the gun who is standing behind you (having impersonated one of your security guards) or possibly on the roof or in the window of whatever building currently has the best view of your location (Or maybe a tree. It depends where you’re reading this) is my Big Brother Sebastian. Mostly we just call him Basch. He’s Switzerland, and he takes very good care of me even though sometimes he rather overdoes it. Guns are kind of a thing with him, and he’s with me a lot, so I’m afraid you’re just going to have to get used to it. He trains your security detail though, so if you’re ever shot at by someone other than him he’ll help them protect you after he’s made sure I’m safe.

                Besides Big Brother, you’ll probably be seeing Austria and the Vatican a lot. Big Brother and Austria are getting along much better than they once did nowadays, probably because they’re both neutral and anyway, fighting over history is silly (unless it’s really serious). Big Brother and the Vatican are also really good friends and they’ve been really good friends for a long time now. I’m really good friends with him too, mostly because he’s the only person Big Brother will leave me alone with (He thinks I don’t see him hiding on the balcony when my Prince/ss and I talk. Sometimes I think about letting him know that I know –I _live_ in Vaduz Castle, and really, neither of us will have a life if he keeps doing this sort of thing- but it makes him feel better so I let him. But still, it’s like ‘Big Brother Is Watching You’; _all the time_ ).

                Sometimes Big Brother does have a point, though. I – _we_ \- are really rich and our banks are a lot more helpful than most people’s (besides Brother’s) and sometimes that makes people jealous and angry. Big Brother protects me from them then, even though I’d like to try it a little bit because I shouldn’t only know how to shoot and snipe people so their heads explode with the first shot (it’s fun to do it with watermelons, though). I’ve considered asking Italy Veneziano about it since he’s had a lot of experience with people being like that because he had a lot of money, but I usually only see him when he’s running past my place to get to Germany’s, and then Brother always shoots at him because he used to forget to put most of his clothes on. I didn’t mind at all, and that’s _definitely_ Big Brother’s fault because no one will even _try_ to date me because they’re too scared of his guns. Plus the Italies are very handsome, and so is the Vatican but he would never ask me and I would never ask him because he’s the _Church,_ and you don’t do that. Anyway I’ve only managed to ask the Vatican about his bank because some people don’t like it either and he’s promised to bring some things over next time to help him explain how to deal with these people, in a way that doesn’t involve shooting at them but probably involves giving them some money in a back alley somewhere, I’m not really sure.

                 Big Brother wants to talk to you now, but I’ve given him a fake copy of this letter to read so that’s why his response is glued underneath this (it’s also why someone hand-delivered this letter to you- it’s so he couldn’t read it beforehand. Don’t worry, I’ve written small enough that he can’t see this. Please just put the letter right back in the envelope when you’re done with it and drop it in your desk drawer or in your folder, I’ll sneak in and get it back later).

 

[The first of Swizterland's abridged, pasted-on comments occurs]

 

_An_ _Herrn_ / _Frau_ _Regierungschef_ :

                I currently have you in my gun sights, and I want you to know that it is entirely your fault. If you hadn’t been such a scheming conniving politician, you wouldn’t be here and I would be looking down this gun barrel at the back of someone else’s head while you languished in safe obscurity.

                I want to instill in you now a mortal fear of ever touching my sister. She is an innocent in the ways of the world, except in the unfortunate necessity of knowing how to kill someone from two miles away if necessary. That’s nearly a fourth of the length of your entire country. If you should ever introduce her to the evils of such things as

 

[Liechtenstein comments]

 

I cut this part out; it’s rather silly and outdated. Things like alcohol and sex. I’d say he’s been spending too much time with the Vatican, except _he’s_ actually okay with those things in the right contexts even if he won’t do them himself. And we both know the ‘innocent in the ways of the world’ part is silly, right? I let him keep his ideas so he doesn’t have a heart attack or something, but I think I’m going to ease off it soon. _I’m_ over three hundred years old and _he_ needs to gain some perspective. Sometimes I think he just needs a good fight with someone, and not over me. If by some chance during your term we become more independent from Switzerland, could you please make sure we adopt a policy of not-being-neutral? We’re entirely surrounded by neutral countries and we’re not strategic at _all_ and don’t even have an army, it’s not going to cause us any troubles.

 

[The second of Switzerland's comments]

 

then I will swiftly introduce you to the beauty that is a well-calibrated gun in the hands of a crack shot.

 

[Liechtenstein's second abridgement note]

 

I can do that just fine whenever you’d like; nobody has to die. Ask to see his clocks and automatons instead.

 

[The third of Switzerland's comments]

 

Also, you will suddenly lose all your investments and will therefore die in ignominy, your family and friends unable to even afford flowers; much less a funeral.

 

[Liechtenstein's third abridgement note]

 

He can’t actually do that, don’t worry. And even if he could I’d pay for it, I’m actually incredibly rich on my own as well as as a Nation.    

 

[The fourth of Switzerland's comments]

 

My neutrality does not extend to matters concerning my sister. If you are a man, do not touch her, do not look at her- she is mine.

  
[Liechtenstein resumes the letter]

 

Okay, I might actually have to talk to him about that; that sounded kind of creepy even though I know he didn’t mean it that way. Also he might need to spend a night with someone (I _knew_ he couldn’t have a healthy adult relationship _and_ follow me around all the time!). Maybe I’ll arrange a surprise trip to France. If Big Brother doesn’t like it he’s perfectly capable of getting out of it by himself and it will give him another excuse to shoot at someone. I’ll just have to make sure that he knows I’m at the Vatican with the Swiss Guards or something so he doesn’t try to run home to make sure there’s no conspiracy to kidnap me or whatever else he can come up with.

Anyway, you don’t really need to see the rest of it; it’s just more of the same stuff. I’m glad you’re here even if _he’s_ not, so I hope you aren’t _too_ traumatized by your new job and if you are I’ll make Big Brother cover your medical expenses. Now just put the letter back in the envelope like I told you to, please.

 

_Auf Wiedersehen;  
_                      [Liechtenstein's signature] __  
Liesl H Zwingli, Principality of Liechtenstein

 

[At some point after the printing of this letter, Switzerland wrote in the following]

 

**_I HAVE LOWERED MY GUN TEMPORARILY. YOU ARE STILL IN MORTAL DANGER; JUST NOT INSTANT MORTAL DANGER._ **


End file.
